Stepping out, IN SPITE of Doubt

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I have heard time and time again that certain things are a calling...a passion...and if you don't pursue it, then it will pursue YOU.

A lot of things have come and go in my life. My desires change. My motivation to do things come and go, to the point where I am never sure if something that I become passionate about is going to be real and lasting {and having mood disorder definitely does NOT help that!}.

There have been two things in my life that have been totally consistent...real passions...true callings...

{1} Teaching dance & choreographing.
Even when I was a little girl, I would put on my favorite music in the living room and dance. But it wasn't just dancing around. No, I had specific moves in my head that just came to me when I heard the song. As I got older and started studying dance, I could never fight the urge to create dances. The need to choreograph and set pieces on other dancers just flowed out of me constantly. Even if there was no place or occasion to perform, teaching a new piece to my dancer friends or students was the greatest outlet I had! I love being in ballet class, and I absolutely adore teaching the little ones ballet basics and teaching them how to be "princesses"...but choreography is where my heart is!

{2} Mental & Emotional Health
I won't say much about this because if you click on the tabs along the top of this blog, you can read more about this passion of mine.

Consistency is very, very important to me. 
I'm used to things not lasting very long in my world.

Has anyone ever seen THIS?? Because this is pretty much the story of my life...ha!

And most of the time I hate that...but that's the way it is. I'm used to it now.

So anything that lasts...anything that I never doubt or must be something very special and very important. 

The other thing that I never question or doubt is GOD, and who He is. 
And I know that I know, that God placed these two passions in my heart and kept them there and fueled them for a purpose.

I'm really not quite sure of how this is going to work, because I've been wanting to do this for such a long time now...but I want to start a ministry. One that combines both of my passions, using them to further the kingdom.

I have always thought that in order to minister to others, I have to be completely fixed myself. I have always thought that since I am not yet totally "healthy", or not yet past my struggles that have plagued me for years, I can't help someone else. And part of me still thinks so, and I question myself...even at this moment as I'm writing and re-reading what I'm writing. My gut suddenly becomes sad, and I say to myself, "This isn't going to work. It's gonna be like everything else in my life...and it's just gonna phase itself out." But God is stronger than that...and He has undoubtedly stirred a passion in my heart. 

I really have no idea where to even start. I just know it's been percolating in my head for quite a long time now. I've had so many concepts and ideas in my head for this, and I think they have a lot of potential, but I keep putting stuff off, because the thought of "you're not good enough to do this" has always come creeping back in. 
But enough is enough already...I'm ready to get this thing started! But how?...

And I'm having a very difficult time putting my thoughts into words right now. I know this post is kind of all over the place. I'm gonna be writing more specifically about all of this, once I've had time to quiet and clear my "busy brain", and pray over EVERY. LITTLE. THING. I want to step outside of my doubts and fears. I want to push through even what seems like an insurmountable mood disorder preventing me from moving forward. {Faith the size of a mustard seed?...Yes! And that mountain will move!}

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