From Distortion to Restoration

I've lived with a distorted perception for as long as I can remember.

It's pretty much the least fun thing ever...

I cannot recall ever NOT feeling like I just constantly make mistakes, constantly disappoint, and that I will never belong anywhere. I cannot recall ever NOT feeling that I do not deserve the good things that happen to me. 

The problem is, I've always been SO SURE that this was how EVERYONE ELSE viewed me too!

But that's not true. It's always just been me.

This is called Emotional Reasoning: Believing that what you feel must automatically be true. "If I feel like a failure, then it must be true, and everyone else must think so too."

• I feel completely inadequate in this, that, or the other thing...I'm sure everyone else sees that as well.

Another style of distorted thinking is called Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on one piece of evidence or a single incident. If something happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.

• One person may not have been completely happy with how I did something...so I get it into my head that NO ONE is happy with ANYTHING I'm doing. 
• I could make one error in judgement, and even after it gets resolved and I learn from it, I get it into my head that EVERY choice I make is a mistake, and I'm doing nothing but messing up and disappointing everyone. 

And this turns into such a vicious cycle...and it's EXHAUSTING!

I have spent so much time pushing people away, and blocking myself off from receiving love because, a) I didn't think I deserved it, and b) because I was so sure that they would eventually discover that I was not a likable person. Ultimately, I was so sure that they would just leave. 

But really, it was because I didn't like myself very much at all. I projected this perspective onto everyone else around me.

{Side note: There are actually 15 styles of distorted thinking. Maybe you are experiencing them, and you have no idea! To read more about them, CLICK HERE!}

For a person with anxiety and mood disorder, there is a predisposition to distorted thinking. If you click on the link I just provided above, you will find that a lot of these are common struggles and thought processes for many people, but for someone with a chemical imbalance, they become exacerbated. And it becomes that much more difficult to change your perception. 

Now...before this turns into another mental health education post that I'm desperately trying to avoid...

Here's my point...

While I was in college, my insecurities were at their absolute worst. My depression and anxiety was at its absolute worst. I was trapped in this horrible mentality that I just did not know how to get out of. And from my perspective, most people in my life would never understand. So, convinced that they were all going to end up disliking me anyway, I removed myself from their lives before they had a chance to leave mine.

But you know what...

I think many of them {even if it wasn't everyone} wanted to try to understand. Even if they never fully could. I think they were trying to help me, and be there for me in the only ways they knew how. But it was I who would not let them. I recognize that now. 

And since graduating from college, I've gone back and forth between being completely confident in my abilities and so sure of the incredible work God was doing in my life...to completely crashing down, and believing that I was worth nothing, and that no one would ever want me around. And I could have gotten there based on just ONE SMALL THING! And for weeks now, I've been right there...

It's. All. In. My. Head.

It's MY problem to solve. And I'm really starting to work hard on solving it. I've discovered that so many of my relationships and circumstances had been sabotaged, because I was the one sabotaging them. 

So...with a LOT of hard work {that will take lots of time}, a great deal of support {which I already have heaps of}, and diving deeper and deeper into a relationship with my Savior {who values me higher than anyone ever could}, I anticipate being able to restore these lies I've believed for far too long, into TRUTHS that I know are there buried beneath them. I anticipate learning to see myself the way my Creator sees me. And that is all I want.