An Unexpected Blessing

In my post from last week, I wrote about how scary and hard it is for me to be vulnerable.

Tonight I had an opportunity to put that to the test.

I got to join my roommate's Bible study, and just those couple of hours spent with some other beautiful ladies, whom I didn't even know well, blessed me so much!

On my way back to my apartment after running errands, I knew all the girls would already be there, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do once I arrived. I was having a pretty low day, and I felt very antisocial and down. The majority of me just wanted to slip quietly into my bedroom and lay low for the rest of the night. But I also knew that if they asked me to join them, I would feel bad about saying no.

So, they asked...and I said yes...and that was a good decision.

We talked A LOT and had A LOT of good discussion so I won't talk about all of it, because there are probably so many tangents I could go off into...and probably would, HA! But I will say the greatest things I took away from this time tonight...

Sharing a prayer request with a group.

I remember doing this all the time when I was in youth group, high school Bible studies, college groups of all kinds {which is pretty much expected when you go to a small Christian college}...but I hadn't shared anything about myself in front of other people in such a long time. And it was such a relief to talk about something I was struggling with. I didn't have to go into detail. I didn't drag it out. But it was so unbelievably helpful to ask the other girls to pray for me...and to know that they probably would. And most of them hadn't even met me before tonight!

It was such a blessing I wasn't expecting...

I think that's what I've been missing...I spend so much time thinking about {and obviously writing about!} how much I want things to change, and how hard I can be on myself...and it's always, "what can I do to fix this?"  But I think what I need to start saying is, Please pray for me. That's all. Pray for me. I trust God, but I don't trust myself to be able to deal with the "tough stuff" that comes with making changes. I'm ready...like really ready now...to start *fighting* instead of *fleeing*. To persist when things get difficult instead of just giving up. But I also wonder if I'll be able to hold onto any of this. I always try to avoid pain {particularly emotional pain} because when it becomes heavy enough, I end up crawling back under the covers and saying, "Forget it, I can't do this."

This is, unfortunately, the nature of mood disorder.

...and I'm soooooo sick of it. Like...so ridiculously SICK. OF. IT. And as many times as I've said that {A LOT!} I think I've finally hit the point of actually being sick and tired *OF* BEING sick and tired!
But at the same time I'm so terrified of it changing, because I've never known anything different.
Terrified, like, feeling my insides shaking, and fighting away the inevitable ugly crying that is going to come with this ACT OF SURRENDER.
But it has to happen.

Thank you to those of you who read this blog.
Thank you to those of you who pray.
Thank you to those of you who are TRUE FRIENDS who STAND BY ME.

linking up with Emily over at Ember Grey blog today :))

UNTITLED...

I'm working with an incredible voice teacher right now. 

I HEARD her sing first...and my mind was completely blown! Her voice was so high and light...beautiful the way it resonated off every part of the room. I'm so fortunate to now have her as my teacher.

I hadn't done much singing at all in the past year and a half {other than choir...which I LOVE!}. Plus, I lost my voice for several weeks while teaching in the classroom.  So, my singing voice, particularly my high notes, are no where near where they used to be...and it should be the opposite. I studied opera through part of high school, and all through college. I saw how my voice grew and developed, and now it's gone backwards.

Just like with ballet...if you don't use it, you lose it.

During the past several lessons I've had with this new teacher, I've been so frustrated with the fact that my high notes just don't come out anymore. I used to be able to hit, and sustain notes ABOVE high C...and to not even be able to get up to a C anymore has been disappointing. During warm ups, I try, and when it doesn't happen, I react with pure lack of confidence.

But today she said, "It's a risk. There's a vulnerability to it. And it's scary. But TAKE the risk...take the plunge. This is a safe space." 

Vulnerability...

Risk...

The two scariest words in my vocabulary. And why?

I've wanted to enter voice competitions before...but I stop myself because I don't think I'm good enough.

I want to enter now, just for the experience...for the feedback...and because singing is FUN for me!

I have, like, TEN topics in my head to write about...but I stop myself from writing them, because I convince myself that no one actually wants to read what I have to say. 

The people who MATTER will read it...those people who really do care. And writing is FUN for me!

On my 101 in 1001 LIST, I said that I want to learn a ballet variation and perfect it...but then I think, what would be the point of that? I'm not going to be able to do it.

And why not? Why not just do it because it's FUN, and it's GOOD for me?

I was very underwhelmed by my own choreography this summer. My students all danced very well, but I couldn't get excited about my work this time. It felt very inadequate.

Okay? So? I'm growing as a choreographer all the time. So what if I've hit a "lull"...it can only become better, right?

I've taken the risk, and been vulnerable with people in my life. They eventually decide that they are tired of Emily's "ups & downs" and walk away.

Again...the people who MATTER will stay. The rest don't matter.

"Take the risk...Take the plunge."

After leaving college, I learned how to find a new sense of confidence. The way everyone saw me during my college years, and even before college, didn't matter anymore because I was a completely different person. All I cared about was who I was in THE NOW. 

What happened to that? Why is my fight or flight response ALWAYS *flight*...or *freeze*? Never *fight*.  My gut reaction is always, "But I don't think I can..."

Returning to singing was a good choice. I have a teacher who is going to push me to "the plunge"...and that's a very good thing right now. I'm gonna need that. 

The One where *HE* writes this time!

I never wanted to go this long with no posts.

Between not having a working computer...and a lack of inspiration...it just didn't happen.

BUT TODAY...

I have something very lovely to share with all of you. 

Someone DID get inspired recently! And he has written something for me to share with all of you!

So enjoy John-David's writing today...

***

So, after I got off work the other night, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows on Netflix.  In the middle of the show, there is an exchange between the two main characters.  And one of the characters said something that was almost SPOT ON with something I've always wondered when it comes to how God views our relationship with Him. Especially when we do something that displeases Him.

To set up the exchange you are about to read...the show is "Doctor Who".  The two characters are the Doctor and his traveling companion, Clara. Clara's boyfriend just died in a horrible car accident, and she wants the Doctor to use his time machine to bring him back to life.  But in asking the Doctor to do this, she tries to control him by throwing away all the keys to his time machine if he tells her that he won't help.  After revealing to her that everything she just did was the result of a dream that the Doctor induced on Clara to see how far she would go, he says he will help her get her boyfriend back.

The following conversation is word for word...

CLARA: You're going to help me?

THE DOCTOR: Why wouldn't I help you?

CLARA:  Because of what I just did.

THE DOCTOR:  You betrayed me, betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything I've ever stood for. You let me down!

CLARA: Then why are you helping me?

THE DOCTOR: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

{A couple minutes later...}

CLARA: I don't deserve a friend like you.

THE DOCTOR: I'm exactly what you deserve.

When I heard the doctor say those things, it literally made me pause the show and think about how that's just like God.  Despite everything we do as humans to disappoint Him, He still wants to be our best and closest friend and help us.  Now, that doesn't mean He'll give us everything our hearts desire.  Because, like children, what we want isn't always what's best for us.  What it does mean, is that no matter what we do to Him and His reputation, it has no bearing on how He views our relationship to Him.  He still wants to be there for us and help us achieve the great things He has in store for us...if we let Him. 

Thank you, God...for your little reminders of who you are through everyday things!

15 things that make me INSANELY happy!

It's been a crazy week! Because it's RECITAL TIME!! I'm super excited and nervous about it...and the preparation process has kept me very, very busy this month. Which explains why I've had to leave this little blog on the back burner for a bit. I haven't even had time to think about something to write. I have a list of posts and topics to write about, but no time to actually figure out what they are going to say...HA!

ANYWAYS...

Trying to CHANGE MY PERSPECTIVE and break through my mental blocks has proven to be very difficult over the last few days.

So, today I thought maybe I should tune into what puts a smile on my face. I'm not sure if it's actually going to help. But at least it will be written out where I can see it regularly...

{1} When someone gives me an unexpected gift.  

My love language is GIFTS. Which doesn't make me a materialistic person...it just shows that someone was thinking of me...that they put time and effort into picking something out for me. It shows that they obviously know me well, and that something can remind them of me :))

{2} Little girls in Tutus...

Because...well...yeah, obviously :))

{to read about how dancing and teaching dance saved my life, CLICK HERE!!}

{3} ANTIQUES!!

I get so goofy happy when there are antiques in the room! They are so fascinating and exciting to look at! I always feel like I was born in the wrong time period. And one of the reasons is because I get completely GIDDY around old, pretty things :))

{4} Babies...

Like...this little sweet boy...right here...

Although he's getting so big now :))

{5} Puppies!!......no explanation needed :))

{6} Traveling and seeing mountains

I think I love mountains so much because they are so majestic. When I am in the mountains, I feel so much closer to God and I'm reminded of how majestic HE is! I think they are the most beautiful, incredible things in His creation. 

{7} Warm hugs :))

"Hi! I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!" Haha...I think that's the main reason I like Olaf from "Frozen" so much! I love hugs from EVERYONE! Especially my students!

{8} Discount Bookstores

There is a gigantic bargain bookstore in my area and every time I go in there, I get all the warm fuzzies :)) Weird girl? Haha, maybe...but I just love it so much! I'll spend hours in that place, combing through each individual book making sure I don't miss anything. Especially on the two and a half {long!} aisles full of books that are only a dollar a piece!!! GAAAHHH!!

{9} Deep conversations with close friends.

Even if they are conversations about struggles and hard times...I never feel more refreshed than when I walk away from a several hour long conversation with someone who was as invested in it as I was.

{10}  Old movies

Okay, so I guess between the antiques, the books, and now the old movies, you're probably all thinking, this girl is such a nerd! Haha, well I probably am, and I'm proud :)) LOL. But seriously...Audrey, Judy, Vivian...Gene Kelly, Clark Gable...ALL OF THEM! EVERYONE! ALL the movies with ALL the actors!!!

{11} Hearing a song I love come on the radio...

...And then turning it up really loud in the car and singing to it!

{12} Watching my choreography come to life

...And I can't wait to see it all go smoothly and beautifully next week for the recital! My upper level students and soloists have been working so very hard and they look GREAT!

{13} Seeing pretty things in the store ON SALE!

 I am attracted, like a moth to a flame, to everything floral and lace! It's like hearing someone say, "Ooh! Shiny!" LOL. And if it's at a discounted price...well...then it pretty much becomes irresistible to me.

{14} Hearing my ballet teacher say, "YES!"

...Or even just seeing a teacher nod at me! To me that's huge...because it means I'm doing it right!

{15} Attending a live performance

...Whether it be a ballet, a symphony or chamber music concert, an opera, or a musical...there's something about seeing a live performance that completely energizes me. And I always walk away feeling completely inspired and happy.

So...what makes all of YOU the happiest? 

Inspiration turns into a PLAN!

In another recent entry {RIGHT HERE!} I talked about the desire I've had to combine my two biggest passions of dance and mental/emotional health advocacy into some sort of ministry opportunity. But I had no clue where I was going to start or how it was going to work. 

Wellllllll...I think I have figured it out!

Or at least the "big picture" of what I want...

Here's how it all came about...

I was first inspired {or I guess I should say inspired AGAIN} by Ballet Magnificat! They are an absolutely wonderful professional ballet company, but they are also a ministry. I've known them for quite awhile, and I've seen them perform several times...but over the past few days, they've been on my mind.

Then, over the weekend, John-David and I watched "Ballet 422" on Netflix. It's a documentary movie about a 25 year old male dancer with the New York City Ballet, who was selected to choreograph a new ballet for the company. It's all about his creative process so there is no narration and very little dialogue...except for all of the collaboration and discussions. I found the whole thing completely and totally fascinating!

Also over the weekend, I came back across the song "Brother" by the band NeedToBreathe. 

Now, I've been wanting to choreograph this song for awhile. But while listening to it this time, the overall message of the song really stuck out to me even more than usual. And I decided that whatever I decided to do with my ministry, I wanted it to be centered around THIS song and THIS message. The message of how important it is to hold each other up during the darkest of dark times.

Take a listen to the song if you haven't heard it...or listen to it again even if you have...because it's just that good!

And it's so good, in fact, that the group was asked to perform it in the Macy's Parade last Thanksgiving!

So...with the combination of remembering Ballet Magnificat! and all of the inspiration they constantly bring me, watching an awesome choreo documentary, and re-listening to THAT SONG {again, and again, and again}...I came up with a premise for a NEW BALLET! 

It's going to be a contemporary ballet, fairly short...using this song and a few others by NeedToBreathe...because their music is just so good and choreograph-able {I think I just made that word up...lol}! And also adding a couple of songs by another artist {which I have yet to decide on}. But all of them will be songs of hope in the midst darkness, hope in the midst of suffering. My main focus, of course, will be on mental/emotional health awareness, and giving hope to those who are in the deep pits of depression {as I have been}...but I think this could have an impact on so many different kinds of people!

There are a lot of logistics to work out. Like...

** A title for the ballet
** Who will collaborate and be a part of this ministry with me
** Where to find dancers {plus I'll be using some of my current students of course}
** A venue to perform in
** How long the process will take, or should take

...and many more things I'm sure I'll come up with, ha!
But most importantly...I'm going to need to keep in mind that "Satan is the father of lies" {John 8:44}. He likes to destroy anything that is God-inspired. Which, in my case, usually means taking full advantage my mood disorder {which he knows is my biggest vulnerability} and using it to tear me down with insecurities, and remind me that nothing good in my life ever lasts. I pray that I can FIGHT that off!

GUYS!! I'M SO RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!

Getting started is the hardest part...but I can't wait to get this going!

A Way to Respond...

As Christians, we often hear that if we are struggling with severe depression, something must be wrong spiritually. We must not have enough faith.

You know what I have to say to that?...

FALSE!! FALSE!! FALSE!!

That could not be further from the truth! And it completely minimizes a person's struggle.

Let's take a look at the book of Job in the Old Testament for a moment here. Job went through extreme physical and emotional pain, and it all fell on him at once. He questioned his whole existence. His suffering changed him into an unrecognizable person. Naturally, he took comfort in having close friends who were willing to be there for him, as they should have been. At first, his three friends, Eliphaz, Belidad, and Zophar simply sat and grieved with Job (Job 2:11-13)...and that would have been enough. But, like all well-intended friends and people in our lives, they HAD to say something.

It's not like they were TRYING to make Job feel worse, but their words were incredibly insensitive. Rather than encouraging and building him up, they sent a message of criticism and shame. Basically...

"You should have confidence in God! You're faith just isn't strong enough!"

"God must be punishing you for something!"

Really, though? What a way to kick your best friend when he's already down!
{And that was pretty much Job's response.}

All to often, people who struggle with depression are told to "snap out of it", and that is SUCH spiritual and emotional abuse! It is not a sin to be depressed. It is not an insult to God to experience doubts and questions. He wants us to bring those things to Him with a sincere heart, and He will not be offended, or turn from us, if we do that out of nothing but pure sadness and frustration.

The invalidation of struggles HAS to stop! We are called to encourage one another (1 Thes. 5:11), and if you have never experienced severe emotional health problems, the judgement of those who do is absolutely not yours! You may feel that you are "just trying to be helpful"...and yes, that is probably the case, as most people mean very well. But the next time you see a friend in an emotional crisis, I would challenge you to think through your words very carefully before speaking them, because you just never know how deep your friend's hurt truly is. And when in doubt, simply being there with them in silence, or offering a compassionate hug is always more than enough! 

Stepping out, IN SPITE of Doubt

I have heard time and time again that certain things are a calling...a passion...and if you don't pursue it, then it will pursue YOU.

A lot of things have come and go in my life. My desires change. My motivation to do things come and go, to the point where I am never sure if something that I become passionate about is going to be real and lasting {and having mood disorder definitely does NOT help that!}.

There have been two things in my life that have been totally consistent...real passions...true callings...

{1} Teaching dance & choreographing.

Even when I was a little girl, I would put on my favorite music in the living room and dance. But it wasn't just dancing around. No, I had specific moves in my head that just came to me when I heard the song. As I got older and started studying dance, I could never fight the urge to create dances. The need to choreograph and set pieces on other dancers just flowed out of me constantly. Even if there was no place or occasion to perform, teaching a new piece to my dancer friends or students was the greatest outlet I had! I love being in ballet class, and I absolutely adore teaching the little ones ballet basics and teaching them how to be "princesses"...but choreography is where my heart is!

{2} Mental & Emotional Health

I won't say much about this because if you click on the tabs along the top of this blog, you can read more about this passion of mine.

Consistency is very, very important to me. 

I'm used to things not lasting very long in my world.

Has anyone ever seen THIS?? Because this is pretty much the story of my life...ha!

And most of the time I hate that...but that's the way it is. I'm used to it now.

So anything that lasts...anything that I never doubt or question...it must be something very special and very important. 

The other thing that I never question or doubt is GOD, and who He is. 

And I know that I know, that God placed these two passions in my heart and kept them there and fueled them for a purpose.

I'm really not quite sure of how this is going to work, because I've been wanting to do this for such a long time now...but I want to start a ministry. One that combines both of my passions, using them to further the kingdom.

I have always thought that in order to minister to others, I have to be completely fixed myself. I have always thought that since I am not yet totally "healthy", or not yet past my struggles that have plagued me for years, I can't help someone else. And part of me still thinks so, and I question myself...even at this moment as I'm writing and re-reading what I'm writing. My gut suddenly becomes sad, and I say to myself, "This isn't going to work. It's gonna be like everything else in my life...and it's just gonna phase itself out." But God is stronger than that...and He has undoubtedly stirred a passion in my heart. 

I really have no idea where to even start. I just know it's been percolating in my head for quite a long time now. I've had so many concepts and ideas in my head for this, and I think they have a lot of potential, but I keep putting stuff off, because the thought of "you're not good enough to do this" has always come creeping back in. 

But enough is enough already...I'm ready to get this thing started! But how?...

And I'm having a very difficult time putting my thoughts into words right now. I know this post is kind of all over the place. I'm gonna be writing more specifically about all of this, once I've had time to quiet and clear my "busy brain", and pray over EVERY. LITTLE. THING. I want to step outside of my doubts and fears. I want to push through even what seems like an insurmountable mood disorder preventing me from moving forward. {Faith the size of a mustard seed?...Yes! And that mountain will move!}