From Distortion to Restoration

I've lived with a distorted perception for as long as I can remember.

It's pretty much the least fun thing ever...

I cannot recall ever NOT feeling like I just constantly make mistakes, constantly disappoint, and that I will never belong anywhere. I cannot recall ever NOT feeling that I do not deserve the good things that happen to me. 

The problem is, I've always been SO SURE that this was how EVERYONE ELSE viewed me too!

But that's not true. It's always just been me.

This is called Emotional Reasoning: Believing that what you feel must automatically be true. "If I feel like a failure, then it must be true, and everyone else must think so too."

• I feel completely inadequate in this, that, or the other thing...I'm sure everyone else sees that as well.

Another style of distorted thinking is called Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on one piece of evidence or a single incident. If something happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.

• One person may not have been completely happy with how I did something...so I get it into my head that NO ONE is happy with ANYTHING I'm doing. 
• I could make one error in judgement, and even after it gets resolved and I learn from it, I get it into my head that EVERY choice I make is a mistake, and I'm doing nothing but messing up and disappointing everyone. 

And this turns into such a vicious cycle...and it's EXHAUSTING!

I have spent so much time pushing people away, and blocking myself off from receiving love because, a) I didn't think I deserved it, and b) because I was so sure that they would eventually discover that I was not a likable person. Ultimately, I was so sure that they would just leave. 

But really, it was because I didn't like myself very much at all. I projected this perspective onto everyone else around me.

{Side note: There are actually 15 styles of distorted thinking. Maybe you are experiencing them, and you have no idea! To read more about them, CLICK HERE!}

For a person with anxiety and mood disorder, there is a predisposition to distorted thinking. If you click on the link I just provided above, you will find that a lot of these are common struggles and thought processes for many people, but for someone with a chemical imbalance, they become exacerbated. And it becomes that much more difficult to change your perception. 

Now...before this turns into another mental health education post that I'm desperately trying to avoid...

Here's my point...

While I was in college, my insecurities were at their absolute worst. My depression and anxiety was at its absolute worst. I was trapped in this horrible mentality that I just did not know how to get out of. And from my perspective, most people in my life would never understand. So, convinced that they were all going to end up disliking me anyway, I removed myself from their lives before they had a chance to leave mine.

But you know what...

I think many of them {even if it wasn't everyone} wanted to try to understand. Even if they never fully could. I think they were trying to help me, and be there for me in the only ways they knew how. But it was I who would not let them. I recognize that now. 

And since graduating from college, I've gone back and forth between being completely confident in my abilities and so sure of the incredible work God was doing in my life...to completely crashing down, and believing that I was worth nothing, and that no one would ever want me around. And I could have gotten there based on just ONE SMALL THING! And for weeks now, I've been right there...

It's. All. In. My. Head.

It's MY problem to solve. And I'm really starting to work hard on solving it. I've discovered that so many of my relationships and circumstances had been sabotaged, because I was the one sabotaging them. 

So...with a LOT of hard work {that will take lots of time}, a great deal of support {which I already have heaps of}, and diving deeper and deeper into a relationship with my Savior {who values me higher than anyone ever could}, I anticipate being able to restore these lies I've believed for far too long, into TRUTHS that I know are there buried beneath them. I anticipate learning to see myself the way my Creator sees me. And that is all I want.

*Simply Me* || A Link-Up

It's been a sweet, relaxing long weekend so far! I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was absolutely LOVELY! Mine certainly was!

Tonight, I'm linking up with Liz who blogs over at Sundays with Sophie, for *Simply Me*.  It is so much fun getting to know and connect with other bloggers this way! Added bonus: It gets me writing! Always a plus :))

What was the first car you drove?  Are you still driving it now?
The first car I drove is still my car today, yes! It's a 2006 silver Honda Accord. I like it! It's a pretty reliable car!

The first dance you went to was?
The Halloween dance at my middle school. I was in the 7th grade. I had never really been a fan of dances, and middle school was not my finest time. I was verbally bullied quite a bit by both mean girls AND mean boys. But on this occasion, I kinda liked the idea of dressing up in a costume. I knew I wouldn't stand out too much because everyone else would be in costumes as well. As time went on, and I grew up, I began to appreciate and attend school dances a bit more often. 

What about your first job?
I started working at a summer day camp when I was 16. They hired me as both a counselor, AND a director for the annual summer talent show. It was so great because THAT was where I discovered that I knew that I KNEW my biggest passion in life! Passing on my love for dance and music to children. I have not stopped doing it since then! 

Tell us about the first phone you had?
AHAHAHAHA! That's funny! In high school, I had one of those motorola razor phones! The flippy ones. Remember how excited everyone was about them?? And at the time my excitement was over the fact that it was pink, and to me it looked so cool! HA!

What was the first book you read? (an actual chapter book)
That would be Charlotte's Web! My 2nd grade teacher was actually reading it to us as a class, but I loved it so much that I checked it out of the library and decided to just read ahead! That was the day I fell in love with reading!

My Heart is Here

Currently, I have about 12 topics for blog posts sitting in my "drafts"...and I'll most likely write all of them. But I wanted to take the time to talk about the blogging EPIPHANY I had last night...and kinda this morning. It wasn't a huge epiphany, mind you, it was more of a realization really. A realization of why I do this whole blogging thing.

I started blogging for THREE REASONS...
1) Writing is a great outlet for me...and I really like it.
2) To encourage people who are going through the same things I went through. To let them know that there is someone else out there who UNDERSTANDS.
3) To educate those who are willing to listen...those who may not understand, but who are willing to try.

I pretty much wrote whenever the inspiration struck. And more often than not, it wouldn't strike for days and days...sometimes weeks at a time. I would get very discouraged because, apparently, it seemed that I wasn't writing what people wanted to read. I would read other blogs written by young women around my age, who had hundreds, sometimes thousands of followers. And I have no idea how they got there. I mean, they had to start from somewhere, right? What exactly did they have to do to attract all of those readers? And why can't I do that?

I do think that writing is a calling for me. I truly think it's something that the Lord wants me to do. But the busyness of three different jobs make me very tired and run down. I don't have the energy to write as much, or as often, as some of these other ladies do. I become intimidated by the other blogs I see, and my brain has its go-to reaction of, "What's the point? I'm not as good as they are." Just like pretty much everything else in my life. I get excited about trying something, then I decide I can't do it, and so I stop. I wish I could just shut this mentality off, and I wish I could just say that I'm going to work on changing it. But, unfortunately, having mood disorder prevents me from doing that {and I've accepted that about myself}.

Even so, I don't want to hesitate to click the publish button. I want to respond to this passion, this calling, that God has pressed upon my heart. I want to follow my own advice to be authentic and real, and to produce material that will be helpful or encouraging to someone else, as well as material that can also be entertaining. I also know that I want writing to be a part of my future. So...it's time to start getting serious...to take this passion from the Lord seriously. I've given this blog a new look that I'm very happy with {simple but pretty}. And I'm no longer going to question whether or not my content is "worth" sharing. I am well aware that there are people out there who are not going to agree with what I have to say, nor are they going to understand why I am sharing it. But that's okay. They don't have to. Even though I don't necessarily fully believe in my ability to do this, I am making a conscious choice to no longer be ashamed of my heart...at least not here.

    

Thankful || A Letter to my Cousins

It's Thanksgiving this week...and I want all of you ladies to know, I've been thinking of you quite a lot lately. 

All of those summers and holidays spent at Grandma & Grandpa's house...I am thankful for those times. Those were good times. I love being able to say that I grew up in a big family full of cousins to play with, and that my whole extended family was so close-knit.

For crying out loud, look how cute we were! :))

{And this isn't even all of us!}

I will admit, as we all got older, I had a tough time. I was definitely the cousin who was adopted. Even though the rest of you probably didn't actually remember that I was adopted {as in, it never needed to be mentioned}, but I think it was still pretty obvious. I had a lot of different personality traits from the rest of you. I was interested in different things. I was a pretty anxious child, as you will recall. I hated going on those wild tube rides with you because I was too afraid. For awhile, I was even afraid to swim with you on very wavy days in Lake Michigan because I was too afraid. I was never much of a "risk taker"...and I was sure that all the rest of you thought I was boring and "too safe". Looking back on it, I really do wish I'd had more of an open mind to pretty much everything.

Eventually, I got it into my head that, whenever I was around you, I had to change myself so that you would accept me. I tried to overcompensate for feeling left out by working EXTRA HARD to try and become a person you'd actually WANT to include. I did try too hard. It was quite exhausting actually. To this day, I don't know why, but I was so insecure, and so sure that I would never, ever be enough to be loved and PART of the rest of you. Even in age, I was stuck in between two younger, and three older cousins...and I didn't know where I fit. But I promise, this had nothing to do with any of you. It really was just all in my head. My anxiety. My constant self-esteem struggles. I can convince myself of any little thing sometimes, and I recreate things in my mind to be a lot worse than they are. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wasn't even capable of ALLOWING myself to fit in because of my self-sabotaging tendencies. You know...the vicious cycle of wanting to feel accepted, but then not feeling accepted because of being so certain that I am not worthy of being accepted. {WOW! Does that even make any sense at all?}

Just so you know...I don't feel that way anymore. Not even a little bit. 

OLDER COUSINS: I hope you know that I wanted to BE you! To be exactly like you! I was your biggest fan and greatest admirer. I wanted to read all of the books you were reading, listen to all the same music, watch the same movies, and do every little thing exactly like you did. In fact, I still wanna be you! We are all adults now, and the age gap has closed, and I'm glad for that. I'm glad we can all be closer.

YOUNGER COUSINS: I always wanted to be the person that YOU wanted to be. And, quite honestly, I'm sure I wasn't {again, always tried too hard...HA!}...but I want you to know that you are beautiful! And I hope you know that I am always, ALWAYS here for you now. Because it's so true...when you have a cousin, you have a friend for life! 

I miss all of you, and I wish we could spend more time together and less time "adulting" :))

This is a letter I've been wanting to write for a long time, but I wanted it to be "just right". And even now, writing it, it's not turning out exactly the way I wanted it to. But that's okay, because I think my point came across. Which is...I love you all so very much. I love who you are. And even though I really wish I could have connected with you more when we were young, we have so much more life ahead of us, and I cannot wait to keep connecting as adults!

Happy Thanksgiving, my cousins, my friends!

I am thankful for ALL of you!

  

Linking up with Emily over at Ember Grey Blog

A Letter to Myself...just as I am

Dear Emily as she is, right now...

Look at everything you are doing! You have so much going on and it is ALL GREAT! You love your jobs {yes, all three of them}, you're happy to still be taking ballet class every week, and you're so thrilled about singing again. It's so great to be singing again, isn't it? You forgot how wonderful that felt! You've got all kinds of wonderful people in your life. You are blessed beyond measure, and you are fully aware of that.

BUT...

There shouldn't be a "but"...and still there is.
It's just one big internal struggle. Oh, you've been trying so hard to fight it. Any extra time you have, you do your best to surround yourself with people and things you enjoy. Late at night, you come home and watch movies and desperately try to distract your overactive {and I mean OVERACTIVE!} brain.

You stay very very busy, whether it's with teaching dance, teaching school, or looking after that sweet baby boy two days a week. You try to set small goals for yourself, but you rarely follow through because you come home and you're so unbelievably tired. And unhappy with who you are. Even though you KNOW it's not true, you feel very insignificant. You can't love what you see in the mirror no matter how hard you try. The unhealthy thoughts that you hoped wouldn't resurface have definitely resurfaced. All you ever want to do anymore is sleep and cry. And basically that's what happens when you find yourself alone.

Why does this have to be so hard? Why, when there is so much good in your life, are you still so sad...for no real reason at all? Why are you so sure that you will never truly be loved by anyone? That everyone, eventually, will just want to be "rid of you"?

You're depressed, and it's okay. You're anxious, and it's okay. You have an illness, and it's okay. You know that God is always good, and He knows how much pain you're in right now. He wants to heal your heart. Please let Him. Please allow yourself to get out of the way, and watch Him tear down, brick by brick, the high walls you've built up around yourself. You KNOW it will hurt, but you also know that the Lord will be there with you every step of the way.

I hope you'll eventually learn to see yourself the way HE SEES YOU. You are already loved. You are already valued. You have purpose and worth. God sees all of this, and so do other people in your life...and yet, you don't believe that. Oh, I hope you will soon. I really do hope you will soon!

I wish it was just as easy to internalize all of THESE words and believe them, as it is to internalize all of the thoughts of unworthiness, not enough-ness, and just plain sadness. But I know it will take time. Lots of time. But you'll do it. You will.

Love,
Emily as she HOPES to be, soon

What YOU say, and what WE hear

Please don't say, "I know how you feel."
What we hear: That what we're struggling with has a limit...that it can be measured. You're not trying to understand how we feel, you just assume you already know. And since you "just got through it" you expect that we should too. It insinuates that our problem is "no big deal"...not huge for us.

It is completely impossible to fully understand how a person with depression feels. Everyone has bouts of feeling depressed...that is, feeling sad...and there's a huge difference in that from actually HAVING depression. Feeling sad is VERY a wide spectrum. So is feeling happy.


Please don't say, "Just replace those negative thoughts with positive ones."
What we hear: That it's our fault we are so depressed. This is something we could just snap out of if we just try hard enough. Right?

Believe me, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, I WISH IT COULD BE THAT SIMPLE!


Please don't say, "You have nothing to be depressed about!"
What we hear: The fact that we are depressed is pathetic. Nothing in our lives could possibly be that bad.

Because really, it could very well be nothing at all! It could very well be everything! Sometimes depression is definitely circumstantial, but more often than not, there is a chemical imbalance that we have no control over. That's where the "NOTHING" comes from.


Please don't say, "At least you're not____" or "You are much better off than so many other people."
What we hear: That we are not grateful enough for what we have, and that in comparison to certain other situations, our depression is minor.

This is a reminder we don't need. We are not homeless. We are not dying of a terminal illness. We are not starving in some far off impoverished country. Umm...YES! We know this! Of course we know this! So before I resort to the very called for, "DUH!" let me be very clear...Never would I EVER, in a million lifetimes, minimize any. single. thing that someone else is going through. Nothing! Ever! Because nothing should ever, ever, ever be minimized! I just ask that you do the same for me.


Please don't say, "You shouldn't have to take that medication to feel better."
What we hear: That you think you're smarter than the doctors who prescribed this medication to us. That you don't actually see this disorder as a "real problem" and we don't actually need to do anything to treat the CHEMICAL PROBLEM in our BRAIN.

This is probably the AB-SO-LUTE WORST thing you could possibly say to a person! Leave it to the doctors...the professionals! PLEASE! Saying these words could really put someone else's life in danger!

“Depression has many possible causes, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. Many chemicals are involved, working both inside and outside nerve cells. There are millions, even billions, of chemical reactions that make up the dynamic  system that is responsible for your mood, perceptions, and how you experience life.” {SOURCE}


Please don't say, "You can CHOOSE to be happy."
What we hear: Obviously we don't WANT to be happy. We are choosing to stay in this suffering state, and not trying hard enough to get out of it.

{I cannot convey to you enough how much I HATE this phrase!!! No I mean it...it truly makes my blood boil!}

But really, though?? I mean...REEEEAAAALLLLYYY???!!!!
Thankfully no one has said this to me for a very long time...and, honestly, if anyone ever does again, believe me when I say that you'll be seeing a side of me you won't expect. 
But I've heard this said to other people who are suffering. For the sake of the sufferer, I've been holding my tongue. But I'm not going to do that anymore. From now on, anyone who says this is going to get a mouth-full from me. Friends, if you hear this from someone, you need to immediately remove that person from your life. They are TOXIC!!!


So....instead of saying all of these things...here are some things you could say instead...

"I believe you are suffering. You are seen and heard."

"I know I will never be able to fully understand this part of you, but I want to try."

"Can I do anything to help you?" {typically the answer to this one is, nothing, but it is still nice to hear from someone}

Say absolutely nothing. Just be with the person. Give them a shoulder to cry on. Hug them.

And if you don't agree with anything at all that I've said here, that's okay. That's your choice. So if you take nothing else away from this, at least understand this part...

Just walk away. You don't need to say anything. You don't need to "pretend" that you care. If you don't truly believe in a person's suffering, that person doesn't need you in their life. Leave.

Harsh? Maybe. I'm typically not harsh. But this stuff NEEDED to be said.

A Hodge-Podge of Words

I've been...away.

Words have not been coming easily.

I started writing posts on three different topics over the past three weeks. And I WILL finish them, and they WILL get posted. But my brain has been so distracted recently. I can't keep my mind focused on one thing to save my life!

I've always liked staying busy, because I get bored easily and I enjoy stimulation. But most recently, I've NEEDED to stay busy. I've NEEDED to be around people constantly. Down time is not okay with me at the moment. Yes, I'm so tired, and yes I should probably relax but I can't. My brain races.

I'm thankful for all of the beautiful children in my life. I'm thankful for the way they progress in my classes. I'm thankful for the joy of dance exuded from each of them. They make me smile...they make me want to get up and start each day.

The people in my life are wonderful. Sometimes I just need to be "talked down" from a situation I've built up way too much in my head. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that how I'm feeling isn't "completely ridiculous". Sometimes I just need to get completely out of my head, and simply have some fun. Like I said...I need people...and mine are pretty great :))

So...my mind has been turning in some pretty vicious circles in recent weeks...and it is not pretty {even this post has no center...and is all over the place}. BUT! Life is still good!

I'll be coming back. I'll be writing again...I will.