Leaving my Fear of Falling

Saturday, May 16, 2015

When I was little, I was afraid to try just about everything.

You couldn't get me to climb to the top of ANYTHING...even if it was a slide.

I wouldn't jump on a trampoline or in a bounce house if there was anyone else jumping with me.

The first time I tried skiing, I was so uncomfortable that I had to make myself fall sideways...and I just took the skis off. 
{even with sledding...which I actually enjoyed...I had to hang back for awhile until I was absolutely sure I was ready to go down the hill}

My cousins loved tubing on the back of our uncle's boats...while I just preferred to stay safe on board the boat itself.

Ultimately it all stemmed from a fear of FALLING.
I could never handle the idea of falling down or falling off of something.
Even more recently in ballet class, I fell out of a turn...flat down on the floor...SOOO not typical of me. Ever since then, I have not been able to complete that turn in class.

But I think the real problem was lack of TRUST.
Mostly in myself.
And lack of confidence in myself.

Anxiety and fear have prevented me from experiencing so many things! 
And I'm not just talking about potentially dangerous things like skiing or jumping off of a cliff...

I'm talking about anything that involves stepping outside of my comfort zone...because the result is always unclear...and I've never been willing to allow that to happen.
Being scared to trust my own emotions comes from having mood disorder. I have no idea what is real and what is not. I'm not a "wear my heart on my sleeve" type of person. I used to be, but I discovered people didn't know what to do with my constant up and down emotions, and eventually just phased themselves out of my life. 
Which is fine. I don't hold anger towards anyone for that. 
Most of the time, I don't even know how to handle them myself.
But I DO very much remove myself from my emotions now.  Because, as far as I know, if I allow myself to feel something, or if I allow myself to jump into something not knowing what the result is going to be, I'm just going to end up hurt. My heart is going to suffer.

but is that true??

I've been reminded recently that it's okay to just take a blind leap of faith sometimes. It's okay to allow emotions to actually happen...BECAUSE THAT'S LIVING!

My immediate thought is, "What if this ends up being terrible?" But, ohhh, what if it ends up being wonderful!!??

From here on out, I am hoping that I can learn how to step out of my comfort zone...
To trust myself, and even more importantly to trust God to do a great work in me. After all He does go before me && behind me. And He will be faithful to complete His good work in me.

It's ME, EMILY, who has to make the choices...
But there's no need to fear falling, because I have my Heavenly Father to catch me if I do.

And any new experience very well could be the greatest thing in the world!

It's going to take a very very long time for me to get there...
And especially on days when I'm not feeling great, this is going to be even more challenging.
But I'm certainly going to try.

OK, God...it's You and me. 

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