The Hammer and the Wall

Sometimes, I'm brave enough to write in this sweet little space. 

More recently I haven't been. I've taken note of the fact that I haven't written anything since the first week of this month. I can put it on being too busy. I could go on and on to say that I just have so much happening in my life that I've put off writing. 

But the reality is this...I've been keeping my heart locked up very, very tight. 

God has been working on me this month. 

He's been prompting at me to start chiseling away at the awfully high, incredibly thick walls I've built up inside myself. 

I've been learning about "listening prayers". Learning that prayer is a dialogue. That you can ask God very specific questions, and allow him to bring very specific thoughts or visions to mind. 

It can be really uncomfortable. And I still haven't been able to figure out which "answers" are from God, or if they are just my own thoughts. And sometimes I get nothing at all. And that's the worst feeling. The desire to hear from Him is there. Oh, I want so much for Him to completely invade every hidden space in my heart! But for Him to do that, the wall has to come down. As in...all the way down. 

The image in my mind lately has been God taking a small hammer that pretty much looks like this...

...and tap, tap, tapping gently on an ugly looking grey brick wall. 

And that's when I cry and say, "No! Stop! Please! Even cracking it open a little is too much! It hurts...it's painful...and I can't do painful." The hammer keeps tapping, and I keep screaming. And finally, I see myself pulling the hammer away. And then the whole image disappears. Because I stopped it. 

That is, until it starts over again later. 

Knowing how much just a little "tap" can hurt, I can't imagine being able to withstand a complete and total shatter. Yes...it's a decision...a decision to trust God to shatter me, but then not leave me alone there. It's a decision to believe that unblocking my hidden heart is not going to be the end of me, but the beginning of a new life! It's choosing to remember that no matter how inevitably painful the process is, the freedom that comes with it will be worth it. 

If it changes my whole life forever, and I find myself in a mess of a million pieces, only God can piece it all together, in beautiful and brand new way!

Trust, Trust, Trust...

Believe, Believe, Believe...

Those words again. The kind of choice where you're either all in, or your not. 

Even in the midst of writing this post, I can see the hammer tapping away again. 

Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to not pull it away anymore.