Trusting the Process in 2016

Thursday, December 31, 2015

I have written about overcoming fear quite a lot on this blog. 

I have gone through my archives, and I've realized that I am always, always, always trying to figure out the "hows" of overcoming fear.  It's a mystery that I've never really been able to solve, and may never solve. It's an ongoing, constantly shifting and evolving process. A journey that never really ends.

It's a topic that I don't like to write about anymore because it just seems like I'm repeating myself all the time. It's like, oh yeah, I want to work on overcoming fear...again. Here's my so-called epiphany THIS time, and here's what I'm gonna do THIS time.  

But I am fully aware that it is not something that can be figured out, or fixed, by just sitting around and thinking about it. I can come up with various "temporary ideas", based totally on how I'm feeling at that point in time. I can sit here and write yet another post that is supposed to fall under the category of "Inspirational" or "Faith". But I don't think I ever really believed the words I was writing.  I'm still not sure I do most of the time. 

This New Year's, I fear setting goals. Pretty much every year, or even in the middle of the year, I would set new goals for myself that I was so certain {at least on that day} that I would actually accomplish this time around. I would finally find an eating plan that works for me. I would finally get back into shape for ballet. I would spend time in The Word every day, and my relationship with the Lord would thrive. I would do all these things and more...and the result was supposed to be me finally feeling healthy.  THAT was really all I wanted. 

I lost way too many months battling with serious depression and anxiety. Months turned into years. Eventually I was either sleeping too much or not at all, and barely eating. And although I can very genuinely say that things are significantly better {especially in comparison to 2012...and I'll tell you that story eventually), I honestly don't even remember what "healthy" feels like. 

And as much as I can say I do want "healthy", I think I'm afraid of it...because it's unfamiliar. 
Unhealthy thoughts, unhealthy eating habits, unhealthy body image, physically unhealthy...that's all I've ever known. 

I can be so gung-ho about making changes in my life, and be super motivated to get started...for about 24 hours. Then the fear creeps in again and says, "Hey, what makes you think you can do any of this? You've never done it before. You won't be able to."

That's the enemies voice. And that's the voice of mood disorder. It's the easiest voice to listen to, because it's so familiar.

This year, what I want is to learn to let God's voice be louder. 
I want to look fear in the eye and say, "In the name of Jesus Christ, get behind me,"
I want to always remember that mood disorder distorts thoughts, and makes them not real.
I don't want to be a slave to this anymore. 
I want to be healthy. I am terrified of healthy. Healthy never existed for me. But I want it.

And, JESUS, I trust You to help me get there!

1 comment :

  1. Hi Emily! I jumped to your lovely blog after reading your comment on my New Year's post. I respect your desire to set aside the "how-tos" and embrace the mystery that is following Jesus. He gives us just enough light for the path, though so often I wish it'd be a beam that casts out every shadow! Emily, I pray that you and I both can cling to the Voice of truth this year! Your fellow Peony, Lacy