A Letter to my friend who has disappeared...
Remember when I used to spend every single weekend at your house?
Remember all the inside jokes we had...and the millions of things we laughed about that nobody else ever understood?
Remember when you would be the first person I would call for every...little...thing? Something wonderful happened and you were the first to know. Something terrible happened and you were the first to know. Something not even that significant happened and you were still the first to know.
Remember when you were the one who knew me better than anyone else?
I do miss you. I really really do.
It's been so weird starting to plan my wedding without you. I didn't even call you when I got engaged. I just didn't know how to tell you. I always thought that you would be the one by my side, helping me plan everything...standing up next to me when I got married...tearing up the dance floor with me. But it's not turning out that way. And that's sad for me.
And even more so, it's been very sad to not be able to share with you all of the other incredibly exciting things happening in my life. The confidence I've obtained, and the competitions and auditions I've partaken in as a result of that newfound confidence. The newfound freedom I've discovered, and unspeakable joy that truly does exist...and that I wish, more than anything, you could find too.
I don't want to tell you things anymore, because I am afraid of making you feel worse. Even though you would be the first one to tell me that I should never minimize my own happiness!
I don't want to tell you things anymore, because I am afraid of making you feel worse. Even though you would be the first one to tell me that I should never minimize my own happiness!
See, my life is so different now. But I really miss having you in it. It has been so very difficult knowing that you are still in such darkness, and that I STILL cannot do anything about it. I STILL cannot help you. And oh, if I could only share with you how beautiful and sweet the taste of freedom is! If I could only help you take that step of allowing the walls around your heart to come down, and allowing God to invade every space and take full ownership of your broken heart. If you could only know what that is like...to come out of the dark and into the light! Oh, it exists! It's the most beautiful, indescribable experience! But I just fear that even if I tried to share all of this with you, you would still believe that you are too far gone...too broken...too long in the depths to believe the Truth. So I struggle to pick up the phone and call, even though I've learned to recognize God's promptings, and He's been putting you back on my heart more and more. Still my heart hurts too much to see you right now, so I've been ignoring His knocks and His whispers of, "Pick up that phone." It's still too hard, although I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, to be around you right now.
Honestly, I still wait for the day that I'll get a phone call telling me that you're gone...that you've given up. And I imagine the grief I would experience...the kind of grief that I could never see going away. But see, the thing is, I'm already grieving. Because in a way, I've already lost you. I've lost what used to be the greatest friendship. I miss you so much, but I'm just scared that if I call you or try to see you, you'll just say no because you're feeling too badly. And that's going to make me hurt...again. I know very well that it would be an act of obedience to the Lord if I tried to reconnect with you. But I have to confess that I have doubts that it's going to do any good at all.
I hope that I can allow God to change my heart towards this situation. He's changed my heart in so many other ways. But right now I continue to hold onto the pain I associate with you and our past relationship.
Remember when we were the absolute best of friends? Because I do. And I grieve that time. I grieve you, this person who is alive, yet still gone. I hope you'll come back. Come out of this darkness, into His marvelous light. And I hope I'll be brave enough to reach out again, and help you get there.
But here's the hardest part of this to admit...I'm scared that you think I'm just another person who has left you. I didn't tell you some of the most important experiences I've had recently, and I wonder if maybe you think it's because I don't care anymore. That I've forgotten you. I wish I could convey how untrue that it. But there...there's the real reason I'm afraid to call.
Memories are everywhere. Songs we used to sing and dance to together come on the radio. Dialogue in movies and tv shows that we used to make fun of. Even the simplest thing that a completely random person could say or do will remind me of a joke between the two of us...and yet I can't laugh about it because no one else could understand but you. So I just smile internally at all these things and remember when...
That's grief. Grief for a living human being.
I miss you.
I love you.
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