A Letter to Myself...just as I am

Dear Emily as she is, right now...

Look at everything you are doing! You have so much going on and it is ALL GREAT! You love your jobs {yes, all three of them}, you're happy to still be taking ballet class every week, and you're so thrilled about singing again. It's so great to be singing again, isn't it? You forgot how wonderful that felt! You've got all kinds of wonderful people in your life. You are blessed beyond measure, and you are fully aware of that.

BUT...

There shouldn't be a "but"...and still there is.
It's just one big internal struggle. Oh, you've been trying so hard to fight it. Any extra time you have, you do your best to surround yourself with people and things you enjoy. Late at night, you come home and watch movies and desperately try to distract your overactive {and I mean OVERACTIVE!} brain.

You stay very very busy, whether it's with teaching dance, teaching school, or looking after that sweet baby boy two days a week. You try to set small goals for yourself, but you rarely follow through because you come home and you're so unbelievably tired. And unhappy with who you are. Even though you KNOW it's not true, you feel very insignificant. You can't love what you see in the mirror no matter how hard you try. The unhealthy thoughts that you hoped wouldn't resurface have definitely resurfaced. All you ever want to do anymore is sleep and cry. And basically that's what happens when you find yourself alone.

Why does this have to be so hard? Why, when there is so much good in your life, are you still so sad...for no real reason at all? Why are you so sure that you will never truly be loved by anyone? That everyone, eventually, will just want to be "rid of you"?

You're depressed, and it's okay. You're anxious, and it's okay. You have an illness, and it's okay. You know that God is always good, and He knows how much pain you're in right now. He wants to heal your heart. Please let Him. Please allow yourself to get out of the way, and watch Him tear down, brick by brick, the high walls you've built up around yourself. You KNOW it will hurt, but you also know that the Lord will be there with you every step of the way.

I hope you'll eventually learn to see yourself the way HE SEES YOU. You are already loved. You are already valued. You have purpose and worth. God sees all of this, and so do other people in your life...and yet, you don't believe that. Oh, I hope you will soon. I really do hope you will soon!

I wish it was just as easy to internalize all of THESE words and believe them, as it is to internalize all of the thoughts of unworthiness, not enough-ness, and just plain sadness. But I know it will take time. Lots of time. But you'll do it. You will.

Love,
Emily as she HOPES to be, soon