An Unexpected Blessing

In my post from last week, I wrote about how scary and hard it is for me to be vulnerable.

Tonight I had an opportunity to put that to the test.

I got to join my roommate's Bible study, and just those couple of hours spent with some other beautiful ladies, whom I didn't even know well, blessed me so much!

On my way back to my apartment after running errands, I knew all the girls would already be there, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do once I arrived. I was having a pretty low day, and I felt very antisocial and down. The majority of me just wanted to slip quietly into my bedroom and lay low for the rest of the night. But I also knew that if they asked me to join them, I would feel bad about saying no.

So, they asked...and I said yes...and that was a good decision.

We talked A LOT and had A LOT of good discussion so I won't talk about all of it, because there are probably so many tangents I could go off into...and probably would, HA! But I will say the greatest things I took away from this time tonight...

Sharing a prayer request with a group.

I remember doing this all the time when I was in youth group, high school Bible studies, college groups of all kinds {which is pretty much expected when you go to a small Christian college}...but I hadn't shared anything about myself in front of other people in such a long time. And it was such a relief to talk about something I was struggling with. I didn't have to go into detail. I didn't drag it out. But it was so unbelievably helpful to ask the other girls to pray for me...and to know that they probably would. And most of them hadn't even met me before tonight!

It was such a blessing I wasn't expecting...

I think that's what I've been missing...I spend so much time thinking about {and obviously writing about!} how much I want things to change, and how hard I can be on myself...and it's always, "what can I do to fix this?"  But I think what I need to start saying is, Please pray for me. That's all. Pray for me. I trust God, but I don't trust myself to be able to deal with the "tough stuff" that comes with making changes. I'm ready...like really ready now...to start *fighting* instead of *fleeing*. To persist when things get difficult instead of just giving up. But I also wonder if I'll be able to hold onto any of this. I always try to avoid pain {particularly emotional pain} because when it becomes heavy enough, I end up crawling back under the covers and saying, "Forget it, I can't do this."

This is, unfortunately, the nature of mood disorder.

...and I'm soooooo sick of it. Like...so ridiculously SICK. OF. IT. And as many times as I've said that {A LOT!} I think I've finally hit the point of actually being sick and tired *OF* BEING sick and tired!
But at the same time I'm so terrified of it changing, because I've never known anything different.
Terrified, like, feeling my insides shaking, and fighting away the inevitable ugly crying that is going to come with this ACT OF SURRENDER.
But it has to happen.

Thank you to those of you who read this blog.
Thank you to those of you who pray.
Thank you to those of you who are TRUE FRIENDS who STAND BY ME.

linking up with Emily over at Ember Grey blog today :))

UNTITLED...

I'm working with an incredible voice teacher right now. 

I HEARD her sing first...and my mind was completely blown! Her voice was so high and light...beautiful the way it resonated off every part of the room. I'm so fortunate to now have her as my teacher.

I hadn't done much singing at all in the past year and a half {other than choir...which I LOVE!}. Plus, I lost my voice for several weeks while teaching in the classroom.  So, my singing voice, particularly my high notes, are no where near where they used to be...and it should be the opposite. I studied opera through part of high school, and all through college. I saw how my voice grew and developed, and now it's gone backwards.

Just like with ballet...if you don't use it, you lose it.

During the past several lessons I've had with this new teacher, I've been so frustrated with the fact that my high notes just don't come out anymore. I used to be able to hit, and sustain notes ABOVE high C...and to not even be able to get up to a C anymore has been disappointing. During warm ups, I try, and when it doesn't happen, I react with pure lack of confidence.

But today she said, "It's a risk. There's a vulnerability to it. And it's scary. But TAKE the risk...take the plunge. This is a safe space." 

Vulnerability...

Risk...

The two scariest words in my vocabulary. And why?

I've wanted to enter voice competitions before...but I stop myself because I don't think I'm good enough.

I want to enter now, just for the experience...for the feedback...and because singing is FUN for me!

I have, like, TEN topics in my head to write about...but I stop myself from writing them, because I convince myself that no one actually wants to read what I have to say. 

The people who MATTER will read it...those people who really do care. And writing is FUN for me!

On my 101 in 1001 LIST, I said that I want to learn a ballet variation and perfect it...but then I think, what would be the point of that? I'm not going to be able to do it.

And why not? Why not just do it because it's FUN, and it's GOOD for me?

I was very underwhelmed by my own choreography this summer. My students all danced very well, but I couldn't get excited about my work this time. It felt very inadequate.

Okay? So? I'm growing as a choreographer all the time. So what if I've hit a "lull"...it can only become better, right?

I've taken the risk, and been vulnerable with people in my life. They eventually decide that they are tired of Emily's "ups & downs" and walk away.

Again...the people who MATTER will stay. The rest don't matter.

"Take the risk...Take the plunge."

After leaving college, I learned how to find a new sense of confidence. The way everyone saw me during my college years, and even before college, didn't matter anymore because I was a completely different person. All I cared about was who I was in THE NOW. 

What happened to that? Why is my fight or flight response ALWAYS *flight*...or *freeze*? Never *fight*.  My gut reaction is always, "But I don't think I can..."

Returning to singing was a good choice. I have a teacher who is going to push me to "the plunge"...and that's a very good thing right now. I'm gonna need that. 

The One where *HE* writes this time!

I never wanted to go this long with no posts.

Between not having a working computer...and a lack of inspiration...it just didn't happen.

BUT TODAY...

I have something very lovely to share with all of you. 

Someone DID get inspired recently! And he has written something for me to share with all of you!

So enjoy John-David's writing today...

***

So, after I got off work the other night, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows on Netflix.  In the middle of the show, there is an exchange between the two main characters.  And one of the characters said something that was almost SPOT ON with something I've always wondered when it comes to how God views our relationship with Him. Especially when we do something that displeases Him.

To set up the exchange you are about to read...the show is "Doctor Who".  The two characters are the Doctor and his traveling companion, Clara. Clara's boyfriend just died in a horrible car accident, and she wants the Doctor to use his time machine to bring him back to life.  But in asking the Doctor to do this, she tries to control him by throwing away all the keys to his time machine if he tells her that he won't help.  After revealing to her that everything she just did was the result of a dream that the Doctor induced on Clara to see how far she would go, he says he will help her get her boyfriend back.

The following conversation is word for word...

CLARA: You're going to help me?

THE DOCTOR: Why wouldn't I help you?

CLARA:  Because of what I just did.

THE DOCTOR:  You betrayed me, betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything I've ever stood for. You let me down!

CLARA: Then why are you helping me?

THE DOCTOR: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

{A couple minutes later...}

CLARA: I don't deserve a friend like you.

THE DOCTOR: I'm exactly what you deserve.

When I heard the doctor say those things, it literally made me pause the show and think about how that's just like God.  Despite everything we do as humans to disappoint Him, He still wants to be our best and closest friend and help us.  Now, that doesn't mean He'll give us everything our hearts desire.  Because, like children, what we want isn't always what's best for us.  What it does mean, is that no matter what we do to Him and His reputation, it has no bearing on how He views our relationship to Him.  He still wants to be there for us and help us achieve the great things He has in store for us...if we let Him. 

Thank you, God...for your little reminders of who you are through everyday things!