An Unexpected Blessing

In my post from last week, I wrote about how scary and hard it is for me to be vulnerable.

Tonight I had an opportunity to put that to the test.

I got to join my roommate's Bible study, and just those couple of hours spent with some other beautiful ladies, whom I didn't even know well, blessed me so much!

On my way back to my apartment after running errands, I knew all the girls would already be there, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do once I arrived. I was having a pretty low day, and I felt very antisocial and down. The majority of me just wanted to slip quietly into my bedroom and lay low for the rest of the night. But I also knew that if they asked me to join them, I would feel bad about saying no.

So, they asked...and I said yes...and that was a good decision.

We talked A LOT and had A LOT of good discussion so I won't talk about all of it, because there are probably so many tangents I could go off into...and probably would, HA! But I will say the greatest things I took away from this time tonight...

Sharing a prayer request with a group.

I remember doing this all the time when I was in youth group, high school Bible studies, college groups of all kinds {which is pretty much expected when you go to a small Christian college}...but I hadn't shared anything about myself in front of other people in such a long time. And it was such a relief to talk about something I was struggling with. I didn't have to go into detail. I didn't drag it out. But it was so unbelievably helpful to ask the other girls to pray for me...and to know that they probably would. And most of them hadn't even met me before tonight!

It was such a blessing I wasn't expecting...

I think that's what I've been missing...I spend so much time thinking about {and obviously writing about!} how much I want things to change, and how hard I can be on myself...and it's always, "what can I do to fix this?"  But I think what I need to start saying is, Please pray for me. That's all. Pray for me. I trust God, but I don't trust myself to be able to deal with the "tough stuff" that comes with making changes. I'm ready...like really ready now...to start *fighting* instead of *fleeing*. To persist when things get difficult instead of just giving up. But I also wonder if I'll be able to hold onto any of this. I always try to avoid pain {particularly emotional pain} because when it becomes heavy enough, I end up crawling back under the covers and saying, "Forget it, I can't do this."

This is, unfortunately, the nature of mood disorder.

...and I'm soooooo sick of it. Like...so ridiculously SICK. OF. IT. And as many times as I've said that {A LOT!} I think I've finally hit the point of actually being sick and tired *OF* BEING sick and tired!
But at the same time I'm so terrified of it changing, because I've never known anything different.
Terrified, like, feeling my insides shaking, and fighting away the inevitable ugly crying that is going to come with this ACT OF SURRENDER.
But it has to happen.

Thank you to those of you who read this blog.
Thank you to those of you who pray.
Thank you to those of you who are TRUE FRIENDS who STAND BY ME.

linking up with Emily over at Ember Grey blog today :))