Trying

I have not written in several days, but I haven't felt like I've had much to say.  And these past several days have been...interesting...

I'm good at hiding...

I like appearing happy...

And actually, when I "appear" happy, I actually am...genuinely happy. I love being with people. I love teaching dance. I love cuddling with Herschel & Libby{the world's sweetest puppy dogs}. I love DOING things. If I'm enjoying myself...if I'm laughing...if I'm happy...it's real. Every time.

And I like that about myself...I like my extroversion. Being surrounded with people helps me heal.  Which is necessary sometimes.

When I started this blog, I said from day one that I believe in being transparent, and sharing your stories. But there are times that I'm not sure I want to. Today I'm not sure I want to...but I'm gonna...

I'm dealing with some extreme fear right now...

In fact, I'm sitting here with a gnawing feeling in my stomach even as I write about this, thinking, should I say this? Should I just not even post this? Why am I so afraid to say that I'm afraid?

Sometimes all I can do is pray...for other people. For my best friend who spends her time alone in darkness...for my beloved college choir director battling terminal cancer...for those people in my life who are struggling with various things...

If you ask me to pray, or if I say I will pray, I do.

But I'm really not good at praying for myself. 

I've been trying, because sometimes, it REALLY IS all I can do.

I know better than to give in to the recent "down phase" I've gotten into. It only really finds me at night or any other time I'm alone {which is why I try not to be as much as possible}. The negativity hits, my confidence drops VERY low, and I forget what "good" feels like for a time.  Now, it used to be that I would be much more inclined to allow this to swallow me whole and take me under. And that's what I've been afraid of, because that's the easy choice. It's the choice to pull the covers up over my head and just give up...because fighting is hard. But oh, I have learned how to fight. So I do. Even when it feels insurmountable.  Like this fear. Insurmountable. I fight it, but it's heavy. 

I'm scared of diving into a new job and not being any good at it.

I'm scared of a lot of things coming up in my future.

And I'm scared of NOT being able to fight off the fear.

My brain is a vicious cycle.

But right now...at this moment...I do choose to fight and not give in. Because I remember that "the hands that made the stars are holding my heart." And even though that doesn't always comfort, I never doubt that it's true. So I say, "Lord, please don't let me go under again. I don't want to." And I know He hears. I know He holds my heart in His hands.